How to talk to pro-choice people

You’re reading Align’s pro-life issue: our look at some of the different people and perspectives within the anti-abortion movement. Please also see our dispatches from OneLife LA and theMarch for Life; the college student’s guide to preparing for the March for Life; interviews with comedians JP Sears and Nicholas De Santoand skyscraper-scaling activist Maison DesChamps; and Kevin Ryan on abortion’s brutal culling of people with Down syndrome.

When it comes to hot-button issues, few bring as much vitriol as the topic of abortion. Having previously been pro-choice, I can respect and appreciate the ideal that bodily autonomy is sacrosanct. Being pro-life now, I see how the ideal of bodily integrity is necessary for bodily autonomy to be a possibility. When two points of view are in conflict, what are pro-lifers to do in order to maintain integrity and still maintain social status? Here are five suggestions that will assist pro-lifers in being not only accepted but appreciated in mixed ideological company.

1. Don’t relate every tragedy, event, or topic to abortion

While there are certainly commonalities and differences worthy of note between abortion and other human rights violations, comparison of suffering fails to help either set of victims. The battle becomes whether or not this is worse than that, when it should be focused on the victims and the rights they need(ed) to have secured. I promise you, there are times when it is appropriate to make comparisons — for example, a formal debate. Resist the temptation to mention abortion in relation to every other issue. Instead, seek common ground with others regarding the other issues. Build relationships, and you will be able to have deeper and more meaningful discussions about abortion.

2. Seek to understand rather than to win

Let’s face it: Winning is fun. For some people, competition is their vibe. However, winning doesn’t always ingratiate us with those we think we are battling. When having conversations about abortion, it is impossible to help others understand your point of view unless you can first seek to understand theirs. As a woman who deeply regrets an abortion, some of the most frustrating, and quite frankly disgusting, language I see from pro-lifers is regarding women who have had or are seeking abortions. Entire storylines are crafted like plots for a bad after-school special regarding who these women are and why they would consider abortion. Stay curious and respectful. Ask clarifying questions. Learn about the larger picture of how abortion has impacted people rather than making assumptions. Allow your compassion to relate before your skepticism or cynicism can infiltrate the mood and clear a room like Marie Kondo taking out the trash.

3. Agree to disagree

Most people have experience with those friends or relatives who absolutely have to have their way. Every conversation is about what they want to talk about the way they want to talk about it. Every outing is planned to make sure they are never disappointed. It is exhausting. Conversations with pro-lifers who cannot fathom how anyone could disagree with their opinion are equally exhausting. I absolutely loathe abortion, and I am exhausted by pro-lifers who are unwilling to acknowledge a good argument or a well-thought-out opinion from the opposition. Simply giving a compliment regarding the eloquence, passion, or congruency of a pro-choicer's argument can go a long way to lightening the mood, easing tension, and building rapport. Disagreement can be fun when both people can recognize the humanity in one another.

4. Resist the urge to employ logical fallacies and manipulation

Whether it be ad hominem attacks, gaslighting, projecting, or appeals to emotion, I have seen and experienced the gamut of thinking errors when chatting with pro-lifers. Nothing reveals a person's toxic intentions faster than the words “You just” followed by a string of accusations that have no foundation or evidence of truth.The person you are speaking to is likely not a bloodthirsty member of a death cult, unless they are a copycat of Rod Ferell, in which case you have my permission to sharpen your stakes and eat all the garlic. Save the insults, name-calling, and manipulative tactics for that narcissist in your life who thrives on the attention.

5. Cultivate a diverse range of interests and friends

The pro-lifers I hang with are such a unique blend of individuals from across the political spectrum (yes, pro-life progressives exist) and a variety of religious belief systems. What is even more fascinating is that the pro-choicers I hang with are just as diverse. I have a reputation in pro-life circles as being something of a “pro-choice whisperer.” On a fairly regular basis, my pro-life friends will ask how I managed to have such a good conversation with a stance pro-choicer or why I have been asked to do podcasts with pro-choicers (my undying gratitude to Stephanie Winn from the “You Must Be Some Kind of Therapist” podcast for beginning this wonderful trend). The secret to my civility sauce is my dedication to finding some common ground with anyone I speak with and my willingness to acknowledge that I might share their opinions if I had their perspective on the topic of abortion. You see, many pro-choicers have logical and congruent arguments when you understand their value system and perspective. Once we are laughing together over silly cat videos, we can let down our defenses and hear each other better.

I am playing a long game. I want stronger and healthier relationships. Change in opinions doesn’t happen overnight and will not happen if you care more about agreement than you do about the individual you are speaking to. So start with establishing some common ground (whether it be a nerdy interest in D&D or a weird obsession with true crime, not that I would know anything about these things), and then seek to see the discussion from their perspective. Build relationships, and you will be able to have deeper and more meaningful discussions about abortion.

Robin Atkins is a licensed mental health counselor specializing in reproductive issues such as infertility, infant loss, and post-abortive trauma. She opened her private practice, Charis et Veritas, in 2015.