Ready to ditch dating apps? 4 trusty ways to meet cute IRL

Ladies, why do we complain about dating apps? Thanks to their algorithmic magic finding a guy couldn't be easier!

First, simply write a few sentences that show how utterly unique you are among the hundreds of thousands of other girls who have also distilled their essence into a few sentences. But be careful: Nobody wants someone who's too unique.

Post some pictures to go along with these sentences. Flirty, but not too forward. Sexy, but not trashy. Calibrate your outfit to land on the exact point of the sundress-to-bikini scale that will maximize matches while minimizing the wrong kinds of matches. Err on the side of more matches.

Start matching. Harvest those dopamine spikes. Feel despair when most of the guys liking you aren't in your league. Start to question whether you're in the league you think you're in.

Chat. Do you make the first move? Does he? If you do, develop crippling self-consciousness by imagining him and his friends mocking your carefully crafted opening (not basic, but not trying too hard either) the way you and your friends mock all the cringeworthy openers you get.

If he does, suspend judgment in the interest of keeping the conversation going. Then: don't do anything that might derail things, like responding too quickly or too slowly or being too serious or too jokey. Above all, don't overthink it. It will most likely end in ghosting anyway.

Get ghosted. Consider recalibrating picture a few degrees closer to "bikini."

Meet up. Confirm that he isn't a psychopath catfishing you with a random fitness bro's pics. Register mild attraction. After ten minutes start scrounging for conversation at the bottom of the small-talk barrel; conclude that some light insanity might be acceptable. Rule him out in your head while smiling. Realize what would have taken ten minutes in person has cost you both a month and a half.

If all that doesn't fill you with gratitude for being young and single in this era of miraculous mate-finding tech, I don't know what to tell you. Other than: "Put down your phone and join us outside the Matrix." Try the following suggestions for successful IRL mingling.

Go to church

Get prayed up and stay slayed up. Already have a church? Start going every week — "I wanted to sleep in" is going to sound really lame on Judgment Day. If you don't have a church, find one and commit. Join a group, serve in a ministry, sidle up to some eligible pew-mates. What better way to meet someone with the same core values?

Get a hobby

Master the basics of French cooking. Learn to dance for an upcoming wedding. Join a bocce league. Start taking improv classes — we won't judge. The point is that trying something new puts you in the company of others who are doing the same. And by removing the pressure to try someone new, it lets things happen more naturally.

Help others

The secret hack to doing community service? You're allowed to enjoy it. I discovered this in high school as a volunteer at our local beach's sea turtle rescue center. Not only did I learn a lot (turns out TikTok videos about plastic straws are of limited value when it comes to #savingtheturtles), but focusing on those crazy terrapins relieved me from dwelling on my own problems. While cultivating a little selflessness and gratitude is good in itself, it can also put you in the relaxed, receptive state of mind in which meeting people is easy.

Leave it up to chance

Previous generations had the courage that comes from scarcity: If a guy didn't talk to the girl he was vibing with in the coffee shop line, he couldn't count on running into another decent prospect anytime soon. These days the overwhelming multitude of options at our fingertips means less incentive to risk in-person rejection. So let's do our part to encourage more daring romantic gestures. If a non-creepy guy at the grocery store or the gym walks up to you and says, “You are just so beautiful and I’d like to take you to coffee sometime” without triggering your fight-or-flight instinct, why not consider it?

In short, ditching the swipe life can leave you with a much more manageable to-do list than the one that starts this article. It goes something like: Find something you love to do. Talk to people. Make friends. Learn to enjoy your own company. The more time you invest in this, the better your chances. There's not an app in the world that can promise the same.